The Pythia's Cave

Tonight I'm so alone
This sorrow takes ahold
Don't leave me here so cold
Never want to be so cold

Your touch used to be so kind
Your touch used to give me life
I've waited all this time, I've wasted so much time

[Falling Inside the Black - Skillet]


I'm angry and bitter.

On Sunday my friend Riccardo (Ricky) is leaving for Japan: for months. He's coming back on September/October. I came to Modena just to see him.

With my friends we had agreed to have a party tomorrow/today (it's already past midnight) for him.
Well, this evening (at 10.50 pm) I found a text message from my friend Eugi (who should be one of my BEST FRIENDS) inviting all the gang to her house for 10 pm - however I arrived home at 7.30 pm and was simply exhausted - so I answered her that I had seen the message only in that moment and that we were going to see each other tomorrow evening.

Eugi: "Riccardo says -hi- and says you're going to see each other in october after the graduation"

I was shocked "Why, isn't he coming tomorrow? What about the party?"

Eugi: "We went out this evening - there's no party tomorrow. You can find us at the pub"

WTF, WTF, WTF, WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: "Maybe you could have just told me! Tomorrow morning I have to get up early and my mom doesn't want me to go out! You could have told me earlier - you sent me a message at 9pm for 10 pm and you know I get back late at friday evening!"

Eugi: "I have sent a message to everyone else, they all came and they have no problems."

Me: "OF COURSE, FUCK, YOU'RE ALL IN MODENA! I had to come back from Padua and I had some health problems this week!"

Goddamn I'm so angry I can barely see straight.
I was really looking forward to see RIccardo! I'm going to miss him so much!

And what hurts the most is that Eugi didn't care enough to phone me to ask if I was coming or why hadn't I aswered to the message. When I organize an outing I send them a message then I call them if they don't answer (which Eugi does 90% of the time and usually I CAN'T find her anywhere 'cause she doesn't answer to her cellphone).
Damn, I feel like... trash. Trash that can be tossed out of the window and forgotten.

I guess I'm not that important to her.
 

You know...

-when you are so angry, so disgusted by a person that you can't stand seeing her, seeing her photos, chat online with her?

-when everything she says or writes irritates you to no end?

-when she has something to comment about everything you say or write and you want to punch her?

I'm feeling like this at the moment!
I just want to smash her face or spit in her eyes!

Some photos of my lastest, disastrous excavation... a few good moments I want to share with you..

 Me waiting for my friend Nicola to come and pick me up. I had been waiting for 40 minutes, hence the tired face...

 The view from the site, since I can't post any photos of the excavation (it's forbidden). I was in the tower.

 My friend Nicola: I'm forever in his debt, without his support I'd have left after the first week. Thanks for being the best (male) friend I've ever had. 

 Me in my apartment the day after my last day at the excavation. See how happy I was?

I was very sad during the movie, thinking it's practically the last movie Heath Ledger starred in...

My co-tenant is really, really, REALLY getting on my nerves. 
I got home on Sunday at 10 PM (don't ask, my train stopped for 3 hours two stations before mine...) and I found: 
- the apartment's door not completely closed (we have two locks and only one was closed)
- the glass door in our room open (you can't imagine how many insects got inside!!)
- her (dirty) panties in my area of the bathroom ON my products
- dust everywhere
- two, I mean, TWO rubbish bags. Why two?? 
- a coffee stain on the stove, coffee which had dripped also on the fridge.

ARGH, I wanted to punch something (or better, someone....)
So Monday morning I cleaned EVERYTHING, from the kitchen (stove, sink and fridge), to the bathroom, to the floors in every room.

She comes home, I try to approach the topic... her answers? 
About the door  "Hn..." (who are you, SASUKE?)
About the glass door in the bedroom "Where, there was this stink..." YES, BUT CLOSE THE DOOR WHEN YOU GO AWAY!!

Then, in the afternoon she went back home in Modena and obviously left me with her dirty plates...


Now, tell me if it makes sense:
this summer and in September she has her last exams 'cause she wants to get her university degree in October maximum. 
But now, not only she's starting a stage for her degree, but also on the weekends she goes to a famous discoteque (the Rock Planet) to learn how to be a sound technician/phonic (I don't really know the right word), and she's starting drum lessons... 
DOES THIS MAKE SENSE? 
I mean, instead of studing for her last exams and preparing her degree report (and she's graduating in Sociology, by the way), she's TAKING DRUM LESSONS AND LEARNING HOW TO BE A SOUND TECHNICIAN??

I know she's trying to fill that void inside her, she's trying to find new friends and to find her way, but STILL, she should understand her priorities! And not trying to do so many things simultaneously... it's stupid and useless.

My co-tenant yesterday said she'll buy toilet paper enough for next month; then she finally threw away her peas and shamelessly confessed she'd been using my toothpaste, and that she'll be using it until friday (it seems like she has got enough time to go on a shopping spree, but not enough to buy a tube of toothpaste).

Then she totally ignored my not-so-subtle request to throw away the rubbish (that is, I closed the rubbish sack and put it near the door - she's simply opened the door moving the sack aside and exited). 

I mean, I know she's lot in mind, the guy she confessed her love to probably rejected her ('cause he suddenly disappeared and avoided her), and her family is not the best there is and she hasn't got a lot of GOOD friends... But those little things for the apartment would make me really happy.

I guess things are back to normal.  

Tell me if I have not the right to be angry. At least frustrated.

Let me tell you my last two months of life in this apartment:
in February my co-tenant and I had the exams so we didn't care much for the state of the apartment - but since I had less exams than her, I was the one who cleaned the dishes and washed the floor and the bathroom.  It wasn't okay-okay, mostly 'cause I'm a bit lazy, but since she was busier than me I could stand it. 

We have started the lessons two weeks ago; that means no exams, more free time: since then, the most she'd done is cleaning the dishes. 
Who cleans the bathroom? Me.
Who washes the floors? Me.
Who cleans her own dishes? Me.
Who cleans the windows? Guess who, ME!

I'm getting tired of it. 
The fact is that if I wait for her to do it, we'll be living in dust and sh*t... I hate staying in dirty places, so I have to clean. 

So, I arrived this morning, tired because I walked the 15 minutes walk from the station to my apartment with my purse, the backpack and the suitcase, late because the trains were late... I entered the apartment and what I saw?

1) the rubbish, which was in the EXACT place where it was Friday (I had my luggage, I couldn't throw it away).
2) there was no toilet paper in the bathroom (I hadn't bought it Thursday because naively I thought "Oh, she'll buy it FOR ONCE!" I've been buying it since February! And we still had one roll.)
3) the bowl with her peas, which was in the fridge, exactly where it had been for the last THREE WEEKS.

I had a fit of rage. 

I mean, WHY WAS THE RUBBISH STILL HOME AFTER THREE DAYS? It's disgusting! I was the one who threw it away of course, as soon as I left to go to the university. 
WHERE WAS THE TOILET PAPER!?
WHY WAS (and still is) THE BOWL WITH THE PEAS STILL IN THE FRIDGE, AFTER THREE DAMN WEEKS!?

After lunch (after I went to buy groceries and the toilet paper), I washed my teeth and noticed that the tube of the toothpaste was squeezed in the centre, something I NEVER do: I realized that she had finished her toothpaste last week. DOES THAT MEAN SHE HAD BEEN USING MY TOOTHPASTE ALL THIS TIME!?

So, when she arrived home a hour ago, I gently, told her about the toilet paper; the answer? The snappy, angry answer?
"Oh, I have a headache, I don't want to hear about these things, I finished it saturday morning and then I left for Vicenza (NOTE: a town half-an-hour from Padua), and came back sunday, and this morning I had to go to lessons! It's not my fault."

My jaw was HANGING. 

I told her. "Well, don't get angry with me! You could have simply told me, so I'd have brought it from home."

I was, and still am, shocked. How it is that SHE got angry at ME!?
I should be the one outraged! I am! How did she turn the tables around!?
Why did she answer in such a snappy, unsufferable tone!? I was just asking something, she could have been at least polite in answering!

Moreover, she finished the toilet paper Saturday morning: she went to Vicenza at night. Couldn't she have bought it before leaving!?

Why am I the only one who seems to care about hygiene in this apartment?



 

I was surfing on the net when I glanced at the time, WTF- it's 1.00 a.m.! I look at the date, the 14th of February.

Valentine's Day never meant much for me: I've never had a boyfriend, I'm single since forever. It's not that I don't like it, it's that I'm used to be alone. Kind of sad, huh?

I kind of regret to never had the courage to confess my feelings for my former crushes, but I have always been scared of being rejected and I KNOW they would have rejected me, maybe even taunted me-

My first crush was Matteo in elementary school: 5 years of unrequited love, andI wasn't seen as a girl, but as 'one of the boys', simply a friend. 
My second crush was Marco, in middle school: again, 3 years of silent passion and adoration. I hated middle school, I was bullied for three years, boys especially liked to torment or taunt me. I started middle school as a little girl sure of herself, and even a bit conceited and stubborn; I finished it as a shadow of my former self, afraid of others' judgement, afraid of speaking my mind. 
So, I started high school: the second year (I was 15) I fell in a serious depression and used to think daily about suicide. Writing (especially fanfictions) and escaping reality thanks to mangas helped me staying alive. While in high school I had several crushes: Tommy (who was one year younger than me), Hayden Christensen (I know, I know), Neji Hyuuga from Naruto (I KNOW, pathetic isn't it?). I'm a bit ashamed of all this. Still, I got stronger and became the young woman I am now.

And now I'm University and things haven't changed much: I'm not interested in anyone, all the boys I know either have a girlfriend or are uninterested (or I'm not interested in them).

Usually I don't think about it too much, since I have so much to do and I'm very busy with University and I have my friends that, bless them, distract me and are wonderful, I LOVE THEM, even if sometimes I get angry at them. 
But now I'm surrounded by couples!

F., E., M., G., they all have a boyfriend, G.D. is single now but had several bfs in the past, M.R. is a lesbian and recently broke up with the gf...Mi. has a flirt with the boy she has liked since forever... Only my friend G.T. never had a boyfriend like me, because T. had a short story while in middle school.

Sometimes I feel so unappreciated and so alone...
I want someone to love me...

Sometimes I feel very childish compared to my friends.

When I say something wrong, when I behave in a stupid way, when I don't realize what's going on; they look at me with those eyes full of perplexity, compassion and amusement - I feel like I'm an asylum case. 

Yes, I know I'm 20, but I can't be serious all the time! I need to be crazy, to be stupid sometimes! I need to push away the tension! There's no need to tell me "Yes, yes, whatever you say."
I'M NOT AN IDIOT, DAMN IT!

And I can't help but turn away, to hide my cheeks red for the embarassment. 

And I feel childish when I get all enthusiastic about something and they bring me back to earth. One of my friends was born a month after me, but from the way she behaves and acts she seems to be the older one - always collected and calm and practical, and fun too! And I feel like the last wheel, like the stupid child left behind.

Luckily, this doesn't happen often. 
But this evening it happened: I said something about my friend T crying for "PS- I love you" (the movie with Hilary Swank and Gerald Butler we went to see yesterday), while me and my other friend G were laughing (it was a nice movie, but simply TOO  saccarine and even a bit ridiculous!) - and then T looked at me:
"Keep saying that Laura. Is there anyone who doesn't know that I cried? You alread told the world!" with THAT voice (you know, the "scolding mother voice") and I couldn't help but laugh nervously and walk away. 

God, sometimes I feel so childish...!

Unbelievably, I'm quite happy lately :D
New Year went wonderfully and I had lot of fun with my dearest friends, then there was the birthday of one of my best friends and for once I felt like our group was really united.

I'm busy studying for my exams, I have three between January and February (Latin Literature, Phoenician Archaeology, Italian Literature) and they're killing me, especially Italian Lit. 'cause I have to study Dante's "Divine Commedy", Machiavelli's "The Prince" and 100 other textes. I'll die, I'm sure. 

Other than that, I finally finished my SasuSaku (Naruto) story "Fangirling" and today I'm going to post the Epilogue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3716919/1/Fangirling
 

Why, WHY my group of friends lacks originality? This year, they will make group-gifts for everyone! 
Isn't that depressing? Isn't that disappointing?

Christmas gifts for me are special, I always try to buy something useful and nice - I HATE GROUP-GIFTS!

The only positive thing about all this is that FOR ONCE, THEY WILL GIVE ME A CHRISTMAS GIFT! I know, I know my birthday is December, BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT! 
Last year my best friend said - "I didn't buy you a Christmas gift because I gave you a HUGE gift for your birthday!" - let's be precise, they were in FIVE for my birthday gift and they spent something like 6 EUROS (more or less 5 USdollars) EACH! 

Are you kidding me??

Only THREE of my friends (out of 10) gave me a Christmas gift last year. Isn't that crazy?

Christmas Group-gifts seem so... distant, so unfriendly. Christmas gifts should be personal and heartfelt, don't you think?

I'm always more disappointed by this group of friends... Fortunately I have friends out of this group, and my University ones - what would I do without them?

Do you know that feeling? 
When you feel that everything around you is FLAWED?
When you realize that everything you touch is ROTTEN?
When you understand that it's always your FAULT?

When you know that your driving your friends AWAY? Because they're right and you're just lazy and arrogant...

Sometimes I just want to stop existing. Sometimes I just want to stop the pain, the GUILT threatening to devour me... 
Sometimes I just want someone to see me for me, to love me for me. 
Sometimes I just wish I could change the past and hope in the future...

I invited a friend (F) from University to my house, to my town: I wanted her to see my city and meet my friends.
They knew she was coming. At least, two or three of them knew.

So Saturday, first we went to visit a museum, then did some shopping and I showed her our city center, which I love :) In the evening, we went to a traditional restaurant with some friends of mine (T & G) - I was waiting for the other friends to call or text me to tell me what they were doing that evening. 
One of my friends at the restaurant (G) told me they were going to some kind of party, the kind which I don't like, in a place that not even God knows where is it, in the country, with alcohol free up 'till midnight, people you don't know who try to dance with you or feel you up, music too loud, too much smoke and too many drunks getting into fights. Not exactly the scenario I'd have liked for them to know F.

Do you think they told me something about it? My "Friends" didn't text me or anything. 

They are like this: if for some motive, I can't go out with them for one-two days, they think I won't go out with them anymore. Are they crazy, I think?
Am I this unsufferable to them?

IF THEY DON'T CARE, THEY SHOULD JUST TELL ME.
Damn it.

I JUST WANT TO MEET SOMEONE NEW.
I JUST WANT TO MEET NEW PEOPLE, WANT TO SURROUND MYSELF WITH FRIENDS.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW MY SOUL MATE.

I'm so very angry with all of you. You disappointed me, you bunch of bitches.


Let's see: just a few hours ago, there was the birthday dinner of a DEAR friend of mine, who had invited my group. Five of us went to the restaurant together, two arrived a bit later - three still had to arrive. G, T and me entered the restaurant with the rest of the other 30 people invited to the dinner - the others waited outside for the others.

They arrived 40 minutes later: the waiters had started bringing the food. 

M said "Oh, there's no place for us to sit."
There was.
E said "I have a fever, I won't eat anything."
So, why did you go out instead of staying home?
M said, again "You started eating already."
It wasn't true. However, you three were the ones who arrived late.
You all said. "Oh, we're going. See ya!"

Bitches. B.I.T.C.H.E.S.

I hate you so much right now. My friend was very disappointed, and I feel humiliated: you asked me to add you boyfriends to the invites list just yesterday, then you didn't even eat?
B.I.T.C.H.E.S.

I've seen him - maybe - four times. 
And I really like him, but I don't know what to do exactly.

My friend indirectly warned me off - he has a lot of female best friends, two sisters and a mother very possessive of him - but I like him, I want to know him better.
How?

I wish I could just tell her that I want to...  I'm so confused right now.

What to do?

This is so unbelievable.
You're completely lost.

Have seventeen (SEVENTEEN!!) years of friendship gone to waste? Was this a friendship? Or it was only unilateral companionship?

I am lost.
So are you.

We are not ourselves anymore.

And I'm so tired of being your reference point, when I have to live my life. I'm so tired to be there, but not to have someone to lean to when it's too much...

What's worse - I don't want to be there anymore, I just want to be free...

[Let's stop this madness driving us apart...]

I must admit I'm quite annoyed right now. 
I found something about my best friend that saddens me so much my chest tightens in hurt... And I realise that our relationships - with her and my other "friends" - are often based on lies and misconceptions. 

That's truly sad. 
                                                                                                                       
How can someone not care?
I care!
Not about everyone: there are few people I truly care for. 
The others? I cannot say that they're my friends. They are... acquaintances.

Sad?  No, it isn't.
I'm selfish, egocentric. I'm human, after all. So, it's only right that there're FEW people I care for - I can count them with my two hands. And these are the people who showed me that they really love me (in a friendly way). They're the people I'd (probably) die for. 

The others don't matter. Because I don't matter to them.

So, why do I feel so betrayed by her?